fasting, and hard core thoughts.

i'm considering fasting from the internet one day a week. i'm also pondering over whether i should pick up my monday fast from all "pleasure" foods for the sake of praying for my family. when i was in colorado, i had a long discussion with my aunt Bea about why she fasts and the results of her steadfastness throughout the years. through God's grace i have come to develop a deeper understanding for why believers fast from what they do. it's not crazy, as some people think, though neither is is required. it is an extension of one's desires. an earnest statement, an action that shows sacrifice of one thing in order to express one's earnest desire.

in my case, the fast from all pleasurable foods is an extension of my earnest plea before the Lord; it is visible proof, if you will, that i am willing to put aside worldly things in order to pursue a greater purpose, w/e that may be. in this case, it is bringing my family (extended as well) before the Lord, and praying over them all.

fasting is not just a sacrifice of something pleasurable for the sake of putting off worldly pleasures. fasting from something also opens up time, that you wouldn't otherwise think of, to:

• pray--about whatever it is you are earnestly bringing before the Lord. pray for His will to be done in your life, whatever it may be. pray for an open heart that will be sensitive to His voice and leading.
• read--God's word, or anything else that will encourage you to draw near to God's heart, but especially His word! there is nothing better. reading along w/ a commentary is a great idea.
• meditate--on scripture. it's easy to just read on and on and on and get lost in the midst of all of it, not even comprehending what you just read, or even noticing the words. that is not meditating. meditating means choosing a particular scripture, maybe 1 or 2 verses, even, and simply thinking over them, praying over them, pondering them, talking to God about them.
• listen --while you're meditating on His word. soooo very key to growing in our walk is drawing near to God and then listening. just listening. there's no rush to hear something, or get somewhere. the only important thing in the universe is our Jesus, almighty God, our good and perfect Father. so just listen to Him. wait on Him. He will speak. not in our timing, but in His good and perfect time.

my biggest problem with taking on fasting and making it a habit is that i forget. i am a creature of dreadful habits, and one of them is getting caught up in the moment and not realizing that my more important plans are getting trampled in the process.

so, i have the will, but the desire is not strong enough yet. i need to be there and do it.

i won't consider fasting from both food and internet on the same day right now, since the purpose is not to drive me insane... haha. just kidding. maybe one day i will, but right now... i'm still too immature. honestly, and i know i am.

----

from here on out, do not expect much order... the following are my honest thoughts. but they are rough and gritty.

...

another thing on my mind of late is something i often lose sight of... that is the fact that we all lose sight of what it is that truly matters in this life. we sometimes willfully forget the "big picture," if you will, and that is the fact that all that matters is God. Jesus. our Father. He existed before anything else, and created us for His good pleasure. we screwed it up even though He gave us a choice of choosing right. unfortunately we are all desperately wicked. so He made a way, ONE way to reconcile us to Himself so that we might be saved from damnation, separation from Him, not only in life on this present earth, but for all eternity. do you realize that this life is very short in comparison to eternity? all that matters even a little bit is Jesus. if you can't see this, then you're not a Christian. you cannot be a child of God and not have even an inkling of what I'm talking about in and on your mind. you CANNOT. if you have been washed in the blood of Christ, then His spirit is in you. if His spirit is in you, then you are a temple of the most high God. this shames me, because i do not treat my body as a vessel of God. holy moly. i am so ashamed of the things i do with my time when i reflect on this... we all should realize this all the time, and make decisions accordingly. ALL THAT MATTERS is God. all that matters is living for Him, and Him alone. not for pursuing worldly interests that have all but forsaken any shred of morality or the desire to pursue such. WHY ARE WE SPENDING OUR TIME on these things? we're only gratifying our flesh, and the only one pleased when we make bad choices of any kind is satan. we're not lost, so we do have the ability to choose NOT to sin. we have no excuse. God sees right through all your lies, deceit, and excuses. why make them in the first place? you have no shield, no way to hide from a righteous God. He is the only holy one. and He will judge all in the end. we get to explain ourselves for all our decisions here. yayyyy. we're idiots. thank God for His grace and love despite our hopeless selves, lost to our sin nature. boooooooooo, sin nature. BOOO. and BOOO to you, too, Satan. damn you to hell. thank you, God, that You WILL have victory over sin and Satan, and he WILL be damned to hell forever.

amen.

so yeah, again

my dad doesn't cease to amaze me with his rudeness.

i came home tonight after having dinner and talk-time with the Ice's and a friend, only to find out that my mum thought she had a fever and chills. so i fetched the thermometer for her (which she could NOT find earlier for w/e reason in my bathroom). lo and behold, her temp was over 101, but we dunno how high it really is because she just took it out after knowing it was over 101. lol.

so i, in shock, went to report the fact to my dad (watching what?--TV) in the living room, and when he finished questioning me on where i had FOUND the thermometer, i started to comment on something else only to be interrupted by his asking me if my jeans were loose. basically, he was staring at my hips and thighs the whole time i was talking, and was trying to figure out why my hips looked so large in those pants. i said, yes, they were baggy on me, and he persisted in asking about it. i was so mad. after he asked me again, i just turned, walked down the hall to my room, and answered him on the way, "YES, these pants are loose on me." i shut the door decidedly and then turned, re-opened the door, poked my head out and said, "and you certainly know how to be rude."

it's unbelievable! he is so materialistic about my body!!!!!!! what the freakin expletive is up in his brain? has he not realized in his oh-so-wiseness that HE IS HUGE and i am, if anything, curvaceous. i am not skinny, but not chubby. i WOULD be chubby had i not the figure i do, but i don't. holy freakin COW i am NOT FAT. i am so freakin tired of him trying to get me to think that i am soooooooooo out of shape and unattractive and that no man will want a woman who looks like i do with my "extra flab." he refers to my breasts with inappropriate terms sometimes, poking fun at them (as thought they're really that big, please).

he is SO outta line, and he doesn't even realize that if he wasn't my dad, i would press charges on his butt--he is HARASSING me. harassing!!!!!!!!

ERGH he outrages me. HE is the one that is incredibly overweight and out of shape. he's outrageous. what a hypocrite. if he wants to be fat and not treat himself well, that's between him and the Lord. but MY BODY is between ME and God, and certainly not some rude, disrespectful man who pretends to care about my health, when really, so much of what he values in a woman (and also his sons, when he's AROUND them) is their exterior appearance. i don't give a flying flipping freaking frappuccino what he thinks.

i could go on and say many more dishonoring things about how outta line he is. but i won't because i should honor him. i am so disrespected by him, and i am praying for change, but it's hard to pray when you're angry. and i SHOULD feel angry and hurt for being treated this way.

is it really so hard to see why i have a hard time trusting men when i live with a man like him? REALLY? is it hard? i hate it. i really do. i am very frustrated. and it's not solvable. there is no formula. just time, love, and prayer. and maybe even then he'll still be stubborn and hard-hearted. but at least I WILL DIE not being bitter and cold and disrespectful towards my father, and that's more than i can say of my brothers, who choose to openly dishonor dad. i am not proud of that. it's fine to be angry, but we are ALL still under God's command to honor. and where's the love in your dishonoring him? how is your putting down of him honoring to God? huh? and as a "christian," that is your duty. if you're not interested in honoring God, then you're not a christian. you're just not. if there's no fruit, then there cannot be salvation. if the desire to please God isn't THERE, then you are not His child. somethin's not right. re-evaluation of self is necessary.

this is a long and, on my part, unexpected rant. it's mostly about my dad, but anything relating to him always extends into other areas.

i will end with the Word, since it's all that matters anyway.

Open the gates
that the righteous nation may enter,
the nation that keeps faith.

You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.

Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.

isaiah 26:2-4

ramblings on love

i think of love as a verb primarily. yes, just like the dc talk song. but really, love is, to me, shown through actions. not just words, but words followed through. maybe words never even come into the picture, maybe it is a silent love, shown through acts of kindness. in essence, selflessness. maybe it's shown through restraint, the lack of words. i think that the term "lust at first first" is more true than "love at first sight" for this reason: one can be loving TO someone from the moment they meet them, and in that way "love them at first sight," but more often than not, there is no actual loving happening. it's *just* lust.

i think the term "in love" is bizarre, useless, and nonsensical. if you care to explain it to me, i will listen.

not again...

so today when i came home from Richland, i decided to make myself more chicken noodle soup (homemade broth). my dad was STILL awake watching tv (he gets home from work around 7:20a) and was wanting me (he "asked" me, meaning he whined) to make him either blueberry pancakes, carrot cake, or strawberry cake. i told him i was planning on making myself some soup but that i could go ahead and make some blueberry pancakes also. so i did, and he was surprised when i brought him the first fruits of my labor. it wasn't cooked all the way through (test batch, and i didn't check it first before giving it away), but he was nice about that, just informing me of the fact. i thanked him. he asked why it was so thick, to which i replied that it was a test batch. it took several re-statements of the fact to get him to hear me, but he still didn't "get" what i was saying--prob because he wasn't REALLY paying attention to me but rather the tv.

the next one i made him, he thought was delicious. so delicious in fact, that i could get a husband with it. if i made a man pancakes like that, i could get him to marry me, but only if i didn't say anything. meaning if i didn't TALK at all, the man would want to marry me. ...

that hurt me, and i told him (as he dragged it out, probably trying to get a reaction out of me) that it was a very rude thing to say. not that he cares.

he thinks this is funny. he does things like this frequently.

so then he asks me to bring him a damp paper towel or napkin for his sticky hands (because he's too lazy to stop watching the game for 1 minute--which has been pre-recorded, btw--to wash his hands). i tell him that i will do it only if he takes back what he said about me.

he just makes more jokes about it, playing on the words as if i'm going to give up and give in.

i told him it wasn't funny. he was silent for awhile (watching the game) and then asked where his napkin was, to which i replied that i was only bringing it to him if he'd apologize.

he ignored what i said, and then a little later asked what happened to his napkin, which i ignored. i had finished clearing off the stove by that point, and gotten some soup into a bowl for me to eat in my room. on my way out, i told him that i was serious--if he's going to be rude to me, then he can get it himself, and the rest of his pancakes were on the stove.

he hasn't bugged me since, and he did eventually go work it out himself (so hard!).

this is not an uncommon happenstance.

i handled it this particular way for a reason--my accountability partner and i talked at our last meeting about how i should react when treated unjustly by my father (or really, anyone i'm close to). she gave me a ... formula... of sorts of how to handle the situation. here's how it goes basically:

1. normal interaction (e.g.--just talking, or perhaps even getting along well)
2. dad says or does something rude (e.g.-- insults my body, my integrity, either verbally or physically)
3. i take offense and make it known that his actions are not welcome, giving him a warning
4. dad can either stop or continues to be disrespectful/rude/unkind--if he continues, then
5. within my power, i do w/e i can to get out of the situation, and make it known to him why

this is difficult to do if i cannot physically leave the house for some reason. now that i can drive AND we have two vehicles, it is usually possible, but not always... and sometimes it is inconvenient, such as during a family event (this happened in colorado and if i had left it would've been very awkward for everyone) or when i have company over and it is awkward for them (tho most of my friends are very aware of the nature of my relationship with my dad).

for me, this ultimatum thing is hard. my dad just doesn't have a teachable heart, nor a desire to be kind and loving as a priority to his family. but i have to set boundaries on how i will allow myself to be treated. this is ridiculous, and makes me very sad to have to do. i want to talk things out and be reasonable. but one cannot reason with the unreasonable...

if you're going to leave a comment, for the love of me, please do not tell me how to "fix" my dad or how to "fix" myself or our relationship. if you cannot guess that i've had hundreds of people tell me stuff like that my whole life already, then you don't need to be giving advice in the first place because you're not as wise as you think.

there is no easy solution to this issue. i've had several thrown at me, and i've stared in disbelief at some of the well-meant, but foolish advice i've received.

there is spiritual warfare going on, and no human reasoning is going to aid here. only Christ. so please pray for my dad when you remember to, and pray for me to be patient, loving, resolute, and strong. i need much encouragement in this area because i am weak when i am alone, as we all are... i don't want to face this challenge free from human aid. and i'm not meant to.

thank you all for your love and prayers =)

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
if my armpits are really stinky, i get an early start on washing those. if not, then my face if it's really oily. if not, my hair. REGIMEN!!!!

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
uhhh i guess technically my fav hoodie is teal. i don't think of it AS a hoodie, though, since it's one of those half-shirt pieces.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
hmmm well because of my cold sore i haven't kissed anyone for a few days, but yeah, typically i am willing to kiss someone that i wouldn't have a problem kissing again.

4. Do you plan outfits?
... No. only if it's a big ordeal.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
SICK. agaaaaaaaain. =( i am around alot of children who are filled with bad viruses (lol), and i am sure they gave me something. i am feeling BAD--head hurts, throat stings/feels cold, head is hot, and a little drainage even. and i am going to sleep soon. oh yeah, and i've got a killer cold sore.

6. What's the closest thing to you that is red?
... there's some red squares in our tablecloth...

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
oh... well it probably involved something i'd be doing that day. SORRY, i don't remember dreams very well.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
not really... got to hang out with people i don't ever hang out with though--the Long family.

9. What are you craving right now?
relief--from this headache, cold sore, and sore throat.

10. Do you floss?

once a month maybe.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
"NOOOooooo, not myyyy CABBAGES... wahhhhh boohoohooooo" --cabbage guy from Avatar tLA.

12. Are you emotional?
yes i am, everyone is. overly? sometimes, usually when pmsing.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?

no way, what a waste of time.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
i like to be able to bite into it a little.

15. Do you like your hair?
yeah it's fine...

16. Do you like yourself?
i don't like who i am w/o God's grace, but i love what He is creating me to be.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
ehhhhh... that would be weird. depends on why and with whom.

18. What are you listening to right now?
momma typing in other room and fridge humming.

19. Are your parents strict?
not really, at least--i mean they're not stingy. thank you God. but they are strict on matters that are important for the most part.

20. Would you go sky diving?
i'd try it.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
sometimes, yes.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
don't remember, don't care.

23. Do you rent movies often?
not so much. i have a netflix subscription, tho.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
yeah, we have some "xmas" lights hanging above our walkway in the hall. mom likes them alot.

25. How many countries have you visited?
hungary, germany (sort of)...

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
yyyyyyeeees... i was very immature at one point.

27. Ever been on a train?
just stuff like the L in chicago and DART stuff.

28. Brown or white eggs?

no pref.

29.Do you have a cell-phone?
Yeah

30. Do you use chap stick?
yes, very frequently

31. Do you own a gun?

nope

32. Can you use chop sticks?
yes, fluently. =P i really enjoy using them, i think they're beautiful.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
i was with friends tonight--jo, ed, stephen, will, courtney, and ashley. the rest of the night i'll be with mum.

34. Are you too forgiving?
my mom thinks i let certain people use me. i have a hard time seeing things that way, but in general, as a Christian, there is no such thing as "too forgiving"--we have no place or right to hold a grievance of any kind against anyone. not that we can't be hurt or angry about injustices, but keeping a grudge is not allowed or pleasing to God.

35. Ever been in love?
i don't like that term. i love people, that's it. i have had strong romantic feelings for the opposite sex in the past, but my way of loving people has changed drastically since then.

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?

uhhh jo's working @ home and chillin? aut will be @ school doing school stuff? britt will be looking for a job and chillin?

37. Ever have cream puffs?
yeah they're nummy. lol

38. Last time you cried?
sometime this week? if i did it was with joanna... i think.

39. What was the last question you asked?

why is my body so messed up right nowwww?

40. Favorite time of the year?
any time when the weather is mostly sunny, with temps in the low 70s or high 60s and a calm breeze every now and then.

41. Do you have any tattoos?
nah

42. Are you sarcastic?
sometimes

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?

i don't remember

44. Ever walked into a wall?
sadly yes *rolls eyes* more than once.

45. Favorite color?
i favor green and i tend to like black (does that count?) or white

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
yes--i remember being truly angry and slapping autumn when we were younger because she was irritating me for some reason.

47. Is your hair curly?
just a little ... yes.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
oh, umm... the last physical album i bought was i think "iworship" something or other or else kari jobe's new album.

49. Do looks matter?
they do, but they are not very important in the scheme of things.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
yes... by God's grace.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
it's not bad.

52. Do you like your life right now?
what the heck kind of question is this? so selfish. i have been given this life and am trying to enjoy it and honor Jesus with my actions. i take what i do before Him, and try to glorify Him with what i do. His will is accomplished in my life, and that's how it should be.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
NO. Absolutely not. i hate that.

54. Can you handle the truth?
i have to...

55. Do you have good vision?
yeah, but not so much far away stuff.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
well yeah i dislike many people, i don't hate anyone.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
usually every day.

58. The last person you held hands with?
joanna or brittany.

59. What are you wearing?

long sleeved white marathon shirt, and my poopy-pants sweatpants.

60.What is your favourite animal?
babies. lol. i like anything soft and cuddly, needy animals are so precious.

61. Where was your default picture taken at?
i think either chicago's int. airport or else lovefield.

62. Can you hula hoop?
haven't tried in a long time, but yeah generally.

63. Do you have a job?

yes a few...

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
a gumball. lol.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
yes. don't remember the deets, but i know i have. hahaha

God's promises

i am up late because i took a bizarre and random nap at like 8pm til 1am.

but ANYway.... moving on!

-----

on the way to the ch meeting, i was listening to the 2nd Chapter of Acts (the group) song "Mountain Tops."

"The mountain tops are not as tall,

The valleys seem to be getting small.

Still the river rolls deep inside me.

Take the dreams that didn't grow,

And visions that melted in the snow.

Take away my laugh,

Still, I'll climb the pathway home."

With my hand in Your hand,

My life in Your life,

My spirit will rise

Until I see the rainbow."

i'd always kinda wondered what the rainbow thing in this song was about.

maybe since it was raining today, but mostly because Jesus allowed me to see the whole "promise" aspect of rainbows that He founded Himself, i now feel that i understand the deeper meaning of these lyrics.

for me, now, the lyrics to the song are referring to being dejected or depressed for whatever reason, and not seeing life the way our Father wants us to--you know, a Biblical, godly attitude and such, or perhaps she is even experiencing hardships and trials, etc, and having a VERY hard time keeping her focus on what is true according to His word.

but nevertheless, she's taking His hand, declaring that her life is in His and that she *will* trust in Him and have faith that what He says is true.

and, eventually, she *will* "see the rainbow," or God's promise come to fruition. COOOOL. i have a newfound love and respect for those words. beautiful.

i was feeling artisticy tonight, so for joanna, here are some pics i took & edited that you might enjoy.

word vomit

time: 10:34p

currently eating: ramen noodles. flavor? chicken (but not creamy--regular kind).

listening: to my fan blowwwwing, and itunes genius playlist "adult alternative rock" mix (coldplay, fratellis, john mayer, the afters, weezer, etc)

mood: flustered/apprehensive/contemplative

------ ----- ---- --- -- -

i could be at ch right now.... i also have math hw that i'd like to do but don't have to right now, so i'm gonna do some much-needed brain-emptying.

to start off, i've done quite a few foolish things recently. most of which, affect only me. basically, bad decisions that make my life more complicated.

for instance?

• i lost my drivers license and have no idea where i lost it. hopefully on friday i will be able to drive to a special place and get a NEW one for $10.
• i have, for the first time in a long time been spending too much time on the internet [you say, "that's not unusal!" to which i say, "but wait!"] reading manga and window-internet shopping for clothing, honestly.
• i have not been careful with budgeting my personal spending, or careful with getting to places on time--basically getting my priorities straight, and it's very frustrating
• oh yeah, and because i've been misusing my time, i am choosing not to spend time reading the Word and the special books i bought @ urbana, which is further frustrating me.

thanks be to God for His graciousness to me... i know i don't deserve it. He's given me grace, and love when i could never earn it, and for this i owe Him my life on this earth, and ever after. thank you, Father.

as i listen to "slow dancing in a burning room," i am reminded of my loves [relationships] of the past. there's been a few... and the phrase "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" comes to mind. what do you think of this statement? personally, i agree. i learn from experience. i'm foolish, and like to do and see many things for myself instead of taking someone else's word for it. but relationships are different... i've already written about my firm views on them. but honestly, i'm always confused about how an actual romance in my life from here on out would take place... why? because i don't make it easy to get close to me. and i'm not exactly the most welcoming personality (tho i'm also not the most repulsive, either! haha).

this is hard to explain... er... well the thing is that i'm not interested in a timid man--i want a strong (not necessarily physically), respectable man who will lead and love me in the Lord the way he should--WHEN WE'RE MARRIED.

but i also want a man who is kind, sensitive when it's important (not always), and interested in the small things as well as the big ones.

i am well-aware that no perfect man exists. obviously no one is perfect and never shall be! especially moi. i wouldn't mind the guy having baggage, honestly. but most importantly, he must have a worldview that is God-glorifying--and actually be living it as much as he can. if he's doing that, then it's obvious that he'd be seeking God's will over his life, which is also a priority in choosing a mate.

through the good times and the bad with my past love interests, i've learned many little things... like, i know now how to pinpoint whether or not someone might be a good match for me by noting certain qualities he has. i've also learned more about communication--what's important to me or not so important. i've learned to be lax where it's important to be, and to "pick my battles," so to speak. i'm also able to apply these to other relationships that are NOT romantic, which is nice. ^ _ ^

moving on...

as i was telling a friend recently: i don't get crushes very often... i hate them! i'm not interested in pursuing any men, partially because it's not my responsibility, and it makes me very very distracted. if i'm honest, i want the man to pursue ME first, and then my feelings to come later. thankfully, if i'm separated from a man long enough, or if he snubs me, i move on. whether gradually or painfully, i move on.

i also feel like i have 3 legs when guys pay attention to me and i haven't asked for it. i'm used to being the pursuer, which is, for me, a disturbing realization. that has happened a little bit recently, and i felt like ty lee did in the avatar episode, "the beach, "when she's approached by a bunch of guys and she starts feeling overwhelmed, so she just paralyzes all of em and gets the heck outta dodge. :-/ well that's pretty much how i feel about it. i really am uncomfortable with attention i haven't asked for--even nice attention--if it comes from a man. and i also understand why i feel this way. i've grown up with a daddy who didn't give me attention in the right areas when it was needed, and also around men who in general are pervs and look and talk to me as though i were a tasty piece of meat. this also contributes to my being distrustful of everyone i meet. but i would like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt unless they prove me otherwise.

movin on:

finances--not used to carefully keeping track of my financial transactions (and i mean CAREFUL track) the way i am endeavoring to do at this time. it's hard, and i am feeling the effects of being inexperienced.

my neighbors--having a hard time not hating them. why? because the woman next door to me is unmarried, with 3 children, and she has a new guy loser living with her every 4-6 months it seems. her master bedroom is right next to mine, and i have to hear them having sex rather loudly at times. they are too rude to give a crap that their bed is RIGHT next the to wall, and hits the wall constantly. it really pisses me off, and i've had enough of it--i'm tired of having to leave MY room so as 1) not to hear them committing adultery and 2)so as not to fall into temptation because of it--to the point that i'm ready to report them. they're rude in every manner, anyway, but this is the icing on top of the crap cake. i'm REALLY struggling with hatred for her and her boyfriends. don't get me wrong, i'm sad that she's living in so much bondage, but from being around them, i observe that her heart is very very hardened to what the Lord desires for her. she's most likely ignorant and doesn't care about doing what's right anyway, but instead has chosen to live in sin how SHE wants. please pray for them, and for me to be able to forgive, be kind to, and pray for them. her children deserve better than that... they're not totally lost just yet, but ... you know.

as joanna knows, for a while there i was very angry with alot of friends who have chosen immorality over living for Christ, pursuing holiness. there's so much apathy, and my heart is discouraged to see so many fellow believers who are Christians only for the benefit of being saved by Jesus Christ. there are so few willing to make the sacrifices He has called us to. pathetic. sad. it disgusts me as much as every other injustice i see in this fallen world.

if it makes ME angry, who is imperfect and broken, how do you think our righteous God feels?

besides being upset about the general state of the church, i'm upset with myself also for being so discouraged... being discouraged about believers not being Christians; discouraged about having to wait and wait patiently to get involved in missions work when that is where my heart lies, and much of what i think about every day; discouraged because i want to live pure and holy for Jesus' sake, but i fall so short of His standard. i feel like i don't want it enough. i'm praying for patience: patience to wait on His will, His time, in all things; patience with others; most of all, patience with myself, and change coming about in ME. ARRRRRRRRGH i am so slow to change. i want to be better, stronger, more efficient. .. i sound like a robot... but honestly--i really do find myself thinking that i'm not good enough. i am allowing myself to believe the lies of the enemy, and that makes me mad! i know better, but he is soooo wily and sneaky, jumping in wherever opportunity lies. i was listening to a sermon recently about how there are 3 types of temptation for us:

1. the flesh
2. the world
3. the spirit

this might help explain a little:

The Flesh

The “flesh” -- generally taken to mean sins of the body -- includes such items as drug addiction, sexual sin and (interestingly enough in our society of plenty and want) gluttony. {Discussion point} It is the first of the temptations for a number of reasons:

· In matters sexual, it most affects the young (hormones, naturally). It comes first chronologically to the adult.

· The “damage spiral” from this is the quickest and deepest, and it produces a lasting despair that is very throbbing -- am I ever going to be sober again? Will I ever find the right man/woman? {Discussion point: does Prince Charming ever go into the Silver Bullet Saloon, Sunny?}

· It’s also the easiest and cheapest; it produces no virtue along the way. No one ever developed the habits of patience and hard work picking up one night stands.

The World

The “world” covers a little more territory. It’s not just the temptation to keep up with the Joneses in material things, though that is the basic temptation. That limits its usefulness to Satan, for some of us are just not capable of “making it” in a materialistic society. (Though, if you notice it, we cluster in social layers to make keeping up a little easier. Who would like to try to keep up with J. Paul Getty?) It also includes the matter of power and influence. We have noted lately that the President (Mr. Clinton) is accused of having sexual affairs. A common thread in this is that the woman wants to be next to the man of power, to be “influential.” How good it feels to be able to say to your friend, “I’ll just call the mayor and tell him.....”

It’s also a longer lasting temptation. The hairline may recede while the waist expands, thus ending lust and gluttony at the same time -- but the lure of the BMW continues forever.

Envy (the sin of the have-nots against the haves) and greed (the sin of the haves against the have-nots) are its two basic forms. {Discussion point: when does “capitalist enterprise” become greed? When does “government compassion” become envy?}

The Spirit

Pride -- the sin of the spirit -- is the least tractable of all sins. It is, as one author (C. S. Lewis) put it, “the complete anti-God state of mind.” The essential point of the matter is that “I’m better than you are -- and I’m going to stick it in your ear, too.” Note that “I’m taller” or “I’m fatter” are neither pride nor (necessarily) falsehood, but “I’m better” is pride. Its essence is competitiveness, that god of modern America.

For indeed, America today counts pride -- in the Biblical, sinful sense -- as a virtue. It is the sticking point in the conflict between humanism and Christianity. In humanism, man makes the moral rules of the universe. He therefore is the highest creature in it -- and we worship the highest. That is pride.

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that might help explain a bit... anyway, i'd never looked at it that way... so it was very interesting for me. tho it did confuse me somewhat. haaaaaa....

lastly, i will say that america sickens me. this fast-paced, selfish, instant-gratification culture is NOT glorifying to our Father, and i want to live elsewhere so i don't get caught up in this mess ANYMORE! i hate it. i take part in it, but i want to be free of it.

i want to do well in school and work this semester. and i want to grow closer to my Jesus. and i want to get involved asap in missions... really really want to do that. oh yeah, and i do NOT want to live in america.

thEnd.

ps--i am not a depressed emo-woman. everyone has dark thoughts. these are some of mine. take them to the Lord as you should. and as i should, and do, too! =)

-saralynn