new blog

so because i want to know exactly who is reading my blog at all times (due to their personal content), i have created a new blog that will be pw protected.

if you would like to read it--under the circumstances that you will be respectful of their content and not share the pw or anything like that--please comment or message me and i will share them with you (that is, assuming i will consent to your having access).

fasting, and hard core thoughts.

i'm considering fasting from the internet one day a week. i'm also pondering over whether i should pick up my monday fast from all "pleasure" foods for the sake of praying for my family. when i was in colorado, i had a long discussion with my aunt Bea about why she fasts and the results of her steadfastness throughout the years. through God's grace i have come to develop a deeper understanding for why believers fast from what they do. it's not crazy, as some people think, though neither is is required. it is an extension of one's desires. an earnest statement, an action that shows sacrifice of one thing in order to express one's earnest desire.

in my case, the fast from all pleasurable foods is an extension of my earnest plea before the Lord; it is visible proof, if you will, that i am willing to put aside worldly things in order to pursue a greater purpose, w/e that may be. in this case, it is bringing my family (extended as well) before the Lord, and praying over them all.

fasting is not just a sacrifice of something pleasurable for the sake of putting off worldly pleasures. fasting from something also opens up time, that you wouldn't otherwise think of, to:

• pray--about whatever it is you are earnestly bringing before the Lord. pray for His will to be done in your life, whatever it may be. pray for an open heart that will be sensitive to His voice and leading.
• read--God's word, or anything else that will encourage you to draw near to God's heart, but especially His word! there is nothing better. reading along w/ a commentary is a great idea.
• meditate--on scripture. it's easy to just read on and on and on and get lost in the midst of all of it, not even comprehending what you just read, or even noticing the words. that is not meditating. meditating means choosing a particular scripture, maybe 1 or 2 verses, even, and simply thinking over them, praying over them, pondering them, talking to God about them.
• listen --while you're meditating on His word. soooo very key to growing in our walk is drawing near to God and then listening. just listening. there's no rush to hear something, or get somewhere. the only important thing in the universe is our Jesus, almighty God, our good and perfect Father. so just listen to Him. wait on Him. He will speak. not in our timing, but in His good and perfect time.

my biggest problem with taking on fasting and making it a habit is that i forget. i am a creature of dreadful habits, and one of them is getting caught up in the moment and not realizing that my more important plans are getting trampled in the process.

so, i have the will, but the desire is not strong enough yet. i need to be there and do it.

i won't consider fasting from both food and internet on the same day right now, since the purpose is not to drive me insane... haha. just kidding. maybe one day i will, but right now... i'm still too immature. honestly, and i know i am.

----

from here on out, do not expect much order... the following are my honest thoughts. but they are rough and gritty.

...

another thing on my mind of late is something i often lose sight of... that is the fact that we all lose sight of what it is that truly matters in this life. we sometimes willfully forget the "big picture," if you will, and that is the fact that all that matters is God. Jesus. our Father. He existed before anything else, and created us for His good pleasure. we screwed it up even though He gave us a choice of choosing right. unfortunately we are all desperately wicked. so He made a way, ONE way to reconcile us to Himself so that we might be saved from damnation, separation from Him, not only in life on this present earth, but for all eternity. do you realize that this life is very short in comparison to eternity? all that matters even a little bit is Jesus. if you can't see this, then you're not a Christian. you cannot be a child of God and not have even an inkling of what I'm talking about in and on your mind. you CANNOT. if you have been washed in the blood of Christ, then His spirit is in you. if His spirit is in you, then you are a temple of the most high God. this shames me, because i do not treat my body as a vessel of God. holy moly. i am so ashamed of the things i do with my time when i reflect on this... we all should realize this all the time, and make decisions accordingly. ALL THAT MATTERS is God. all that matters is living for Him, and Him alone. not for pursuing worldly interests that have all but forsaken any shred of morality or the desire to pursue such. WHY ARE WE SPENDING OUR TIME on these things? we're only gratifying our flesh, and the only one pleased when we make bad choices of any kind is satan. we're not lost, so we do have the ability to choose NOT to sin. we have no excuse. God sees right through all your lies, deceit, and excuses. why make them in the first place? you have no shield, no way to hide from a righteous God. He is the only holy one. and He will judge all in the end. we get to explain ourselves for all our decisions here. yayyyy. we're idiots. thank God for His grace and love despite our hopeless selves, lost to our sin nature. boooooooooo, sin nature. BOOO. and BOOO to you, too, Satan. damn you to hell. thank you, God, that You WILL have victory over sin and Satan, and he WILL be damned to hell forever.

amen.

so yeah, again

my dad doesn't cease to amaze me with his rudeness.

i came home tonight after having dinner and talk-time with the Ice's and a friend, only to find out that my mum thought she had a fever and chills. so i fetched the thermometer for her (which she could NOT find earlier for w/e reason in my bathroom). lo and behold, her temp was over 101, but we dunno how high it really is because she just took it out after knowing it was over 101. lol.

so i, in shock, went to report the fact to my dad (watching what?--TV) in the living room, and when he finished questioning me on where i had FOUND the thermometer, i started to comment on something else only to be interrupted by his asking me if my jeans were loose. basically, he was staring at my hips and thighs the whole time i was talking, and was trying to figure out why my hips looked so large in those pants. i said, yes, they were baggy on me, and he persisted in asking about it. i was so mad. after he asked me again, i just turned, walked down the hall to my room, and answered him on the way, "YES, these pants are loose on me." i shut the door decidedly and then turned, re-opened the door, poked my head out and said, "and you certainly know how to be rude."

it's unbelievable! he is so materialistic about my body!!!!!!! what the freakin expletive is up in his brain? has he not realized in his oh-so-wiseness that HE IS HUGE and i am, if anything, curvaceous. i am not skinny, but not chubby. i WOULD be chubby had i not the figure i do, but i don't. holy freakin COW i am NOT FAT. i am so freakin tired of him trying to get me to think that i am soooooooooo out of shape and unattractive and that no man will want a woman who looks like i do with my "extra flab." he refers to my breasts with inappropriate terms sometimes, poking fun at them (as thought they're really that big, please).

he is SO outta line, and he doesn't even realize that if he wasn't my dad, i would press charges on his butt--he is HARASSING me. harassing!!!!!!!!

ERGH he outrages me. HE is the one that is incredibly overweight and out of shape. he's outrageous. what a hypocrite. if he wants to be fat and not treat himself well, that's between him and the Lord. but MY BODY is between ME and God, and certainly not some rude, disrespectful man who pretends to care about my health, when really, so much of what he values in a woman (and also his sons, when he's AROUND them) is their exterior appearance. i don't give a flying flipping freaking frappuccino what he thinks.

i could go on and say many more dishonoring things about how outta line he is. but i won't because i should honor him. i am so disrespected by him, and i am praying for change, but it's hard to pray when you're angry. and i SHOULD feel angry and hurt for being treated this way.

is it really so hard to see why i have a hard time trusting men when i live with a man like him? REALLY? is it hard? i hate it. i really do. i am very frustrated. and it's not solvable. there is no formula. just time, love, and prayer. and maybe even then he'll still be stubborn and hard-hearted. but at least I WILL DIE not being bitter and cold and disrespectful towards my father, and that's more than i can say of my brothers, who choose to openly dishonor dad. i am not proud of that. it's fine to be angry, but we are ALL still under God's command to honor. and where's the love in your dishonoring him? how is your putting down of him honoring to God? huh? and as a "christian," that is your duty. if you're not interested in honoring God, then you're not a christian. you're just not. if there's no fruit, then there cannot be salvation. if the desire to please God isn't THERE, then you are not His child. somethin's not right. re-evaluation of self is necessary.

this is a long and, on my part, unexpected rant. it's mostly about my dad, but anything relating to him always extends into other areas.

i will end with the Word, since it's all that matters anyway.

Open the gates
that the righteous nation may enter,
the nation that keeps faith.

You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.

Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.

isaiah 26:2-4

ramblings on love

i think of love as a verb primarily. yes, just like the dc talk song. but really, love is, to me, shown through actions. not just words, but words followed through. maybe words never even come into the picture, maybe it is a silent love, shown through acts of kindness. in essence, selflessness. maybe it's shown through restraint, the lack of words. i think that the term "lust at first first" is more true than "love at first sight" for this reason: one can be loving TO someone from the moment they meet them, and in that way "love them at first sight," but more often than not, there is no actual loving happening. it's *just* lust.

i think the term "in love" is bizarre, useless, and nonsensical. if you care to explain it to me, i will listen.

not again...

so today when i came home from Richland, i decided to make myself more chicken noodle soup (homemade broth). my dad was STILL awake watching tv (he gets home from work around 7:20a) and was wanting me (he "asked" me, meaning he whined) to make him either blueberry pancakes, carrot cake, or strawberry cake. i told him i was planning on making myself some soup but that i could go ahead and make some blueberry pancakes also. so i did, and he was surprised when i brought him the first fruits of my labor. it wasn't cooked all the way through (test batch, and i didn't check it first before giving it away), but he was nice about that, just informing me of the fact. i thanked him. he asked why it was so thick, to which i replied that it was a test batch. it took several re-statements of the fact to get him to hear me, but he still didn't "get" what i was saying--prob because he wasn't REALLY paying attention to me but rather the tv.

the next one i made him, he thought was delicious. so delicious in fact, that i could get a husband with it. if i made a man pancakes like that, i could get him to marry me, but only if i didn't say anything. meaning if i didn't TALK at all, the man would want to marry me. ...

that hurt me, and i told him (as he dragged it out, probably trying to get a reaction out of me) that it was a very rude thing to say. not that he cares.

he thinks this is funny. he does things like this frequently.

so then he asks me to bring him a damp paper towel or napkin for his sticky hands (because he's too lazy to stop watching the game for 1 minute--which has been pre-recorded, btw--to wash his hands). i tell him that i will do it only if he takes back what he said about me.

he just makes more jokes about it, playing on the words as if i'm going to give up and give in.

i told him it wasn't funny. he was silent for awhile (watching the game) and then asked where his napkin was, to which i replied that i was only bringing it to him if he'd apologize.

he ignored what i said, and then a little later asked what happened to his napkin, which i ignored. i had finished clearing off the stove by that point, and gotten some soup into a bowl for me to eat in my room. on my way out, i told him that i was serious--if he's going to be rude to me, then he can get it himself, and the rest of his pancakes were on the stove.

he hasn't bugged me since, and he did eventually go work it out himself (so hard!).

this is not an uncommon happenstance.

i handled it this particular way for a reason--my accountability partner and i talked at our last meeting about how i should react when treated unjustly by my father (or really, anyone i'm close to). she gave me a ... formula... of sorts of how to handle the situation. here's how it goes basically:

1. normal interaction (e.g.--just talking, or perhaps even getting along well)
2. dad says or does something rude (e.g.-- insults my body, my integrity, either verbally or physically)
3. i take offense and make it known that his actions are not welcome, giving him a warning
4. dad can either stop or continues to be disrespectful/rude/unkind--if he continues, then
5. within my power, i do w/e i can to get out of the situation, and make it known to him why

this is difficult to do if i cannot physically leave the house for some reason. now that i can drive AND we have two vehicles, it is usually possible, but not always... and sometimes it is inconvenient, such as during a family event (this happened in colorado and if i had left it would've been very awkward for everyone) or when i have company over and it is awkward for them (tho most of my friends are very aware of the nature of my relationship with my dad).

for me, this ultimatum thing is hard. my dad just doesn't have a teachable heart, nor a desire to be kind and loving as a priority to his family. but i have to set boundaries on how i will allow myself to be treated. this is ridiculous, and makes me very sad to have to do. i want to talk things out and be reasonable. but one cannot reason with the unreasonable...

if you're going to leave a comment, for the love of me, please do not tell me how to "fix" my dad or how to "fix" myself or our relationship. if you cannot guess that i've had hundreds of people tell me stuff like that my whole life already, then you don't need to be giving advice in the first place because you're not as wise as you think.

there is no easy solution to this issue. i've had several thrown at me, and i've stared in disbelief at some of the well-meant, but foolish advice i've received.

there is spiritual warfare going on, and no human reasoning is going to aid here. only Christ. so please pray for my dad when you remember to, and pray for me to be patient, loving, resolute, and strong. i need much encouragement in this area because i am weak when i am alone, as we all are... i don't want to face this challenge free from human aid. and i'm not meant to.

thank you all for your love and prayers =)

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
if my armpits are really stinky, i get an early start on washing those. if not, then my face if it's really oily. if not, my hair. REGIMEN!!!!

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
uhhh i guess technically my fav hoodie is teal. i don't think of it AS a hoodie, though, since it's one of those half-shirt pieces.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
hmmm well because of my cold sore i haven't kissed anyone for a few days, but yeah, typically i am willing to kiss someone that i wouldn't have a problem kissing again.

4. Do you plan outfits?
... No. only if it's a big ordeal.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
SICK. agaaaaaaaain. =( i am around alot of children who are filled with bad viruses (lol), and i am sure they gave me something. i am feeling BAD--head hurts, throat stings/feels cold, head is hot, and a little drainage even. and i am going to sleep soon. oh yeah, and i've got a killer cold sore.

6. What's the closest thing to you that is red?
... there's some red squares in our tablecloth...

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
oh... well it probably involved something i'd be doing that day. SORRY, i don't remember dreams very well.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
not really... got to hang out with people i don't ever hang out with though--the Long family.

9. What are you craving right now?
relief--from this headache, cold sore, and sore throat.

10. Do you floss?

once a month maybe.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
"NOOOooooo, not myyyy CABBAGES... wahhhhh boohoohooooo" --cabbage guy from Avatar tLA.

12. Are you emotional?
yes i am, everyone is. overly? sometimes, usually when pmsing.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?

no way, what a waste of time.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
i like to be able to bite into it a little.

15. Do you like your hair?
yeah it's fine...

16. Do you like yourself?
i don't like who i am w/o God's grace, but i love what He is creating me to be.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
ehhhhh... that would be weird. depends on why and with whom.

18. What are you listening to right now?
momma typing in other room and fridge humming.

19. Are your parents strict?
not really, at least--i mean they're not stingy. thank you God. but they are strict on matters that are important for the most part.

20. Would you go sky diving?
i'd try it.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
sometimes, yes.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
don't remember, don't care.

23. Do you rent movies often?
not so much. i have a netflix subscription, tho.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
yeah, we have some "xmas" lights hanging above our walkway in the hall. mom likes them alot.

25. How many countries have you visited?
hungary, germany (sort of)...

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
yyyyyyeeees... i was very immature at one point.

27. Ever been on a train?
just stuff like the L in chicago and DART stuff.

28. Brown or white eggs?

no pref.

29.Do you have a cell-phone?
Yeah

30. Do you use chap stick?
yes, very frequently

31. Do you own a gun?

nope

32. Can you use chop sticks?
yes, fluently. =P i really enjoy using them, i think they're beautiful.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
i was with friends tonight--jo, ed, stephen, will, courtney, and ashley. the rest of the night i'll be with mum.

34. Are you too forgiving?
my mom thinks i let certain people use me. i have a hard time seeing things that way, but in general, as a Christian, there is no such thing as "too forgiving"--we have no place or right to hold a grievance of any kind against anyone. not that we can't be hurt or angry about injustices, but keeping a grudge is not allowed or pleasing to God.

35. Ever been in love?
i don't like that term. i love people, that's it. i have had strong romantic feelings for the opposite sex in the past, but my way of loving people has changed drastically since then.

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?

uhhh jo's working @ home and chillin? aut will be @ school doing school stuff? britt will be looking for a job and chillin?

37. Ever have cream puffs?
yeah they're nummy. lol

38. Last time you cried?
sometime this week? if i did it was with joanna... i think.

39. What was the last question you asked?

why is my body so messed up right nowwww?

40. Favorite time of the year?
any time when the weather is mostly sunny, with temps in the low 70s or high 60s and a calm breeze every now and then.

41. Do you have any tattoos?
nah

42. Are you sarcastic?
sometimes

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?

i don't remember

44. Ever walked into a wall?
sadly yes *rolls eyes* more than once.

45. Favorite color?
i favor green and i tend to like black (does that count?) or white

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
yes--i remember being truly angry and slapping autumn when we were younger because she was irritating me for some reason.

47. Is your hair curly?
just a little ... yes.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
oh, umm... the last physical album i bought was i think "iworship" something or other or else kari jobe's new album.

49. Do looks matter?
they do, but they are not very important in the scheme of things.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
yes... by God's grace.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
it's not bad.

52. Do you like your life right now?
what the heck kind of question is this? so selfish. i have been given this life and am trying to enjoy it and honor Jesus with my actions. i take what i do before Him, and try to glorify Him with what i do. His will is accomplished in my life, and that's how it should be.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
NO. Absolutely not. i hate that.

54. Can you handle the truth?
i have to...

55. Do you have good vision?
yeah, but not so much far away stuff.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
well yeah i dislike many people, i don't hate anyone.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
usually every day.

58. The last person you held hands with?
joanna or brittany.

59. What are you wearing?

long sleeved white marathon shirt, and my poopy-pants sweatpants.

60.What is your favourite animal?
babies. lol. i like anything soft and cuddly, needy animals are so precious.

61. Where was your default picture taken at?
i think either chicago's int. airport or else lovefield.

62. Can you hula hoop?
haven't tried in a long time, but yeah generally.

63. Do you have a job?

yes a few...

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
a gumball. lol.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
yes. don't remember the deets, but i know i have. hahaha

God's promises

i am up late because i took a bizarre and random nap at like 8pm til 1am.

but ANYway.... moving on!

-----

on the way to the ch meeting, i was listening to the 2nd Chapter of Acts (the group) song "Mountain Tops."

"The mountain tops are not as tall,

The valleys seem to be getting small.

Still the river rolls deep inside me.

Take the dreams that didn't grow,

And visions that melted in the snow.

Take away my laugh,

Still, I'll climb the pathway home."

With my hand in Your hand,

My life in Your life,

My spirit will rise

Until I see the rainbow."

i'd always kinda wondered what the rainbow thing in this song was about.

maybe since it was raining today, but mostly because Jesus allowed me to see the whole "promise" aspect of rainbows that He founded Himself, i now feel that i understand the deeper meaning of these lyrics.

for me, now, the lyrics to the song are referring to being dejected or depressed for whatever reason, and not seeing life the way our Father wants us to--you know, a Biblical, godly attitude and such, or perhaps she is even experiencing hardships and trials, etc, and having a VERY hard time keeping her focus on what is true according to His word.

but nevertheless, she's taking His hand, declaring that her life is in His and that she *will* trust in Him and have faith that what He says is true.

and, eventually, she *will* "see the rainbow," or God's promise come to fruition. COOOOL. i have a newfound love and respect for those words. beautiful.

i was feeling artisticy tonight, so for joanna, here are some pics i took & edited that you might enjoy.