blurg.
this past week has been emotionally and sometimes physically rough for me for a number of reasons most of which i won't divulge in detail.
the absolute worst part of this past semester has been my stupidity in the area of trying to pursue love when it wasn't the proper timing (to say the least). i won't say it wasn't the "proper man" because that's pretty darn judgmental and i know i could very well be suited for a man that not everyone would get along with peachily. i sure don't fit in with every crowd, and that's fine. but i just decided to go against my better judgment and pursue a guy, knowing that it could end up with me getting hurt.
and i did. but it didn't end up that way immediately. things took several diff turns in directions that i liked, but it was apparently never going just where i thought it was. and now i've basically been rejected. it hurts like a bad word, and i've been struggling quite a bit, to say the least, with handling my feelings about the situation. at first i was relieved to have a straight answer outta him so i could move on. but then i realized just how much i WANTED to be in a relationship. i WANTED to badly to love on him and have him reciprocate all the feelings i had. i realize that i want a man to take care of, love, and lead me.
but in the end, i don't want a man like the one i've been pursuing. he was messed up, and i knew it from the start. but i allowed my carnal desires to get the best of me, and i kept on pursuing that warm body, that tantalizing smell, that tender touch. yes, i want those things. very much so. and i'm all too eager to have them. siiiiigh. i'm a bit at a loss as to where to go from here, but all i've come up with is to continue on, learning from my experiences. negative experiences like this make it hard for me to trust people again, but i keep reminding myself it was partially my fault for doing something i knew would probably not turn out well since the guy had issues.
i wish i could throw away or put on hold these desires for a mate. not just a lover, but a man who'll lead and love like Jesus. trusting the Lord for that is my big problem. waiting in His time, instead of rushing ahead and getting carried away in my fantasies is my problem. Jesus wants me to be in the here and now, not indulging in a dream world. i need to be seeking Him, and i know He'll take care of all my needs.
Perhaps over time, my desires will change. as i grow in my walk with Jesus, and I continue to let Him change my heart, maybe the desires will fade. ..but it takes time, and time has a way of dragging things out...
for now, as i'm home alone, it's hard to avoid the mire of wonderment and sort of self-pity as my heart tends to wander into the domain of "why" and "but." it hurts to have a dream of something so sweet snatched out from under you. i know it's lame and stupid, but my self-esteem has been at zero this week as i feel unattractive and undesirable. instead of opening up to my friends, i tend to lash out in various ways. i mistreat my body instead of taking special care of it, binging (without the purging!! gross!) and not exercising, thus gaining extra--UNWANTED--pounds.
please pray for God's continued work in my heart. that i will open up and let Him work instead of rebelling and being an idiot.
thank you for your love and attention.
to be patient
*contented/half aggravated sigh*
well i just had one of "those" days.
i thought it was gonna be a nice, slow day for once. but no.
haha. i had a ridiculous evening, to the point where i was wanting to just rewind and start over, leaving out a few elements...
but someone at work helped me to remember that someone else always has it worse than i do.
Thank God that person helped me to remember, because i was so frustrated that i gave myself a headache and slight fever. hahahaha fail. think about it. whatever you're going through, someone else is having a worse day. so shut up and pray for God to help you trust Him and be careful what you say and do to others. God's in control.
my grandma cracks me up, despite all her irritating habits and craziness. she's totally oblivious to what's going on around her most of the time, which makes for interesting stories.
[btw, this has nothing to do with the above statement about people having bigger problems than i do. this is just a funny story...]
tonight after work when i picked her up from the grocery store, we went out searching for food, during which time she related to me the "frustrations" from her shopping expedition.
she had gotten in line and "waited and waited and waited" for what seemed like forever. she **finally** gets to the front of the line to her relief, and when she looks at the cashier, she sees her pointing to the lane's aisle sign.
well i just had one of "those" days.
i thought it was gonna be a nice, slow day for once. but no.
haha. i had a ridiculous evening, to the point where i was wanting to just rewind and start over, leaving out a few elements...
but someone at work helped me to remember that someone else always has it worse than i do.
Thank God that person helped me to remember, because i was so frustrated that i gave myself a headache and slight fever. hahahaha fail. think about it. whatever you're going through, someone else is having a worse day. so shut up and pray for God to help you trust Him and be careful what you say and do to others. God's in control.
my grandma cracks me up, despite all her irritating habits and craziness. she's totally oblivious to what's going on around her most of the time, which makes for interesting stories.
[btw, this has nothing to do with the above statement about people having bigger problems than i do. this is just a funny story...]
tonight after work when i picked her up from the grocery store, we went out searching for food, during which time she related to me the "frustrations" from her shopping expedition.
she had gotten in line and "waited and waited and waited" for what seemed like forever. she **finally** gets to the front of the line to her relief, and when she looks at the cashier, she sees her pointing to the lane's aisle sign.
"This is a 20-or-fewer-items lane, ma'am!"
my grandma looks up to see that this is true and says "Ohhhh myyy gosshhh" with an exasperated sigh and probably grumbled her face off and sighed about 10 more times. she sighed because she probably has about twice as many groceries as were allowed. now she had to go wait in ANOTHER incredibly long line.
i laugh. poor dear woman.
---
i then proceeded to starbucks to find two of my friends on their shifts, both having rough or semi-rough days. i never have it so bad that i would want to wear it on my sleeve and make someone else's day worse as well. we need to be careful how our own feelings affect those around us. not that i minded them telling me a little about their day--i asked them, for pete's sake. i care about them and want them to know that.
anyway. good stuff.
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
Romans 12:10-16
on another note, please pray for my heart's desires to be changed to the Lord's. right now i've got some stuff goin on in there that i know needs to change. i find myself despising the desires and praying constantly for wisdom, patience, and strength. (and common sense, pah.)
i laugh. poor dear woman.
---
i then proceeded to starbucks to find two of my friends on their shifts, both having rough or semi-rough days. i never have it so bad that i would want to wear it on my sleeve and make someone else's day worse as well. we need to be careful how our own feelings affect those around us. not that i minded them telling me a little about their day--i asked them, for pete's sake. i care about them and want them to know that.
anyway. good stuff.
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.
Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with God's people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
Romans 12:10-16
on another note, please pray for my heart's desires to be changed to the Lord's. right now i've got some stuff goin on in there that i know needs to change. i find myself despising the desires and praying constantly for wisdom, patience, and strength. (and common sense, pah.)
I feel loved when...
The Five Love Languages
My Primary Love Languages are probably Acts of Service and Words of Affirmation
| My Detailed Results: | |
|---|---|
| Acts of Service: | 8 |
| Words of Affirmation: | 8 |
| Quality Time: | 6 |
| Physical Touch: | 5 |
| Receiving Gifts: | 3 |
About this quiz
Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.
Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.
Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book
apparently it's different than i thought. i thought it was physical touch, but i guess not. I've changed over the past couple years....
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