i came home tonight after having dinner and talk-time with the Ice's and a friend, only to find out that my mum thought she had a fever and chills. so i fetched the thermometer for her (which she could NOT find earlier for w/e reason in my bathroom). lo and behold, her temp was over 101, but we dunno how high it really is because she just took it out after knowing it was over 101. lol.
so i, in shock, went to report the fact to my dad (watching what?--TV) in the living room, and when he finished questioning me on where i had FOUND the thermometer, i started to comment on something else only to be interrupted by his asking me if my jeans were loose. basically, he was staring at my hips and thighs the whole time i was talking, and was trying to figure out why my hips looked so large in those pants. i said, yes, they were baggy on me, and he persisted in asking about it. i was so mad. after he asked me again, i just turned, walked down the hall to my room, and answered him on the way, "YES, these pants are loose on me." i shut the door decidedly and then turned, re-opened the door, poked my head out and said, "and you certainly know how to be rude."
it's unbelievable! he is so materialistic about my body!!!!!!! what the freakin expletive is up in his brain? has he not realized in his oh-so-wiseness that HE IS HUGE and i am, if anything, curvaceous. i am not skinny, but not chubby. i WOULD be chubby had i not the figure i do, but i don't. holy freakin COW i am NOT FAT. i am so freakin tired of him trying to get me to think that i am soooooooooo out of shape and unattractive and that no man will want a woman who looks like i do with my "extra flab." he refers to my breasts with inappropriate terms sometimes, poking fun at them (as thought they're really that big, please).
he is SO outta line, and he doesn't even realize that if he wasn't my dad, i would press charges on his butt--he is HARASSING me. harassing!!!!!!!!
ERGH he outrages me. HE is the one that is incredibly overweight and out of shape. he's outrageous. what a hypocrite. if he wants to be fat and not treat himself well, that's between him and the Lord. but MY BODY is between ME and God, and certainly not some rude, disrespectful man who pretends to care about my health, when really, so much of what he values in a woman (and also his sons, when he's AROUND them) is their exterior appearance. i don't give a flying flipping freaking frappuccino what he thinks.
i could go on and say many more dishonoring things about how outta line he is. but i won't because i should honor him. i am so disrespected by him, and i am praying for change, but it's hard to pray when you're angry. and i SHOULD feel angry and hurt for being treated this way.
is it really so hard to see why i have a hard time trusting men when i live with a man like him? REALLY? is it hard? i hate it. i really do. i am very frustrated. and it's not solvable. there is no formula. just time, love, and prayer. and maybe even then he'll still be stubborn and hard-hearted. but at least I WILL DIE not being bitter and cold and disrespectful towards my father, and that's more than i can say of my brothers, who choose to openly dishonor dad. i am not proud of that. it's fine to be angry, but we are ALL still under God's command to honor. and where's the love in your dishonoring him? how is your putting down of him honoring to God? huh? and as a "christian," that is your duty. if you're not interested in honoring God, then you're not a christian. you're just not. if there's no fruit, then there cannot be salvation. if the desire to please God isn't THERE, then you are not His child. somethin's not right. re-evaluation of self is necessary.
this is a long and, on my part, unexpected rant. it's mostly about my dad, but anything relating to him always extends into other areas.
i will end with the Word, since it's all that matters anyway.
Open the gates
that the righteous nation may enter,
the nation that keeps faith.
You will keep in perfect peace
him whose mind is steadfast,
because he trusts in you.
Trust in the LORD forever,
for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.
isaiah 26:2-4
3 comments:
:( I do not like this post. No. I'm sorry, my dear. Prayer before bed. Love you.
:/
Nothing I can really say here, but I wanted you to know that I read it and care.
I want to encourage you and let you know that we, your friends, love you just the way you are and remind you that God designed us the way we are for a reason. :)
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