word vomit

time: 10:34p

currently eating: ramen noodles. flavor? chicken (but not creamy--regular kind).

listening: to my fan blowwwwing, and itunes genius playlist "adult alternative rock" mix (coldplay, fratellis, john mayer, the afters, weezer, etc)

mood: flustered/apprehensive/contemplative

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i could be at ch right now.... i also have math hw that i'd like to do but don't have to right now, so i'm gonna do some much-needed brain-emptying.

to start off, i've done quite a few foolish things recently. most of which, affect only me. basically, bad decisions that make my life more complicated.

for instance?

• i lost my drivers license and have no idea where i lost it. hopefully on friday i will be able to drive to a special place and get a NEW one for $10.
• i have, for the first time in a long time been spending too much time on the internet [you say, "that's not unusal!" to which i say, "but wait!"] reading manga and window-internet shopping for clothing, honestly.
• i have not been careful with budgeting my personal spending, or careful with getting to places on time--basically getting my priorities straight, and it's very frustrating
• oh yeah, and because i've been misusing my time, i am choosing not to spend time reading the Word and the special books i bought @ urbana, which is further frustrating me.

thanks be to God for His graciousness to me... i know i don't deserve it. He's given me grace, and love when i could never earn it, and for this i owe Him my life on this earth, and ever after. thank you, Father.

as i listen to "slow dancing in a burning room," i am reminded of my loves [relationships] of the past. there's been a few... and the phrase "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" comes to mind. what do you think of this statement? personally, i agree. i learn from experience. i'm foolish, and like to do and see many things for myself instead of taking someone else's word for it. but relationships are different... i've already written about my firm views on them. but honestly, i'm always confused about how an actual romance in my life from here on out would take place... why? because i don't make it easy to get close to me. and i'm not exactly the most welcoming personality (tho i'm also not the most repulsive, either! haha).

this is hard to explain... er... well the thing is that i'm not interested in a timid man--i want a strong (not necessarily physically), respectable man who will lead and love me in the Lord the way he should--WHEN WE'RE MARRIED.

but i also want a man who is kind, sensitive when it's important (not always), and interested in the small things as well as the big ones.

i am well-aware that no perfect man exists. obviously no one is perfect and never shall be! especially moi. i wouldn't mind the guy having baggage, honestly. but most importantly, he must have a worldview that is God-glorifying--and actually be living it as much as he can. if he's doing that, then it's obvious that he'd be seeking God's will over his life, which is also a priority in choosing a mate.

through the good times and the bad with my past love interests, i've learned many little things... like, i know now how to pinpoint whether or not someone might be a good match for me by noting certain qualities he has. i've also learned more about communication--what's important to me or not so important. i've learned to be lax where it's important to be, and to "pick my battles," so to speak. i'm also able to apply these to other relationships that are NOT romantic, which is nice. ^ _ ^

moving on...

as i was telling a friend recently: i don't get crushes very often... i hate them! i'm not interested in pursuing any men, partially because it's not my responsibility, and it makes me very very distracted. if i'm honest, i want the man to pursue ME first, and then my feelings to come later. thankfully, if i'm separated from a man long enough, or if he snubs me, i move on. whether gradually or painfully, i move on.

i also feel like i have 3 legs when guys pay attention to me and i haven't asked for it. i'm used to being the pursuer, which is, for me, a disturbing realization. that has happened a little bit recently, and i felt like ty lee did in the avatar episode, "the beach, "when she's approached by a bunch of guys and she starts feeling overwhelmed, so she just paralyzes all of em and gets the heck outta dodge. :-/ well that's pretty much how i feel about it. i really am uncomfortable with attention i haven't asked for--even nice attention--if it comes from a man. and i also understand why i feel this way. i've grown up with a daddy who didn't give me attention in the right areas when it was needed, and also around men who in general are pervs and look and talk to me as though i were a tasty piece of meat. this also contributes to my being distrustful of everyone i meet. but i would like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt unless they prove me otherwise.

movin on:

finances--not used to carefully keeping track of my financial transactions (and i mean CAREFUL track) the way i am endeavoring to do at this time. it's hard, and i am feeling the effects of being inexperienced.

my neighbors--having a hard time not hating them. why? because the woman next door to me is unmarried, with 3 children, and she has a new guy loser living with her every 4-6 months it seems. her master bedroom is right next to mine, and i have to hear them having sex rather loudly at times. they are too rude to give a crap that their bed is RIGHT next the to wall, and hits the wall constantly. it really pisses me off, and i've had enough of it--i'm tired of having to leave MY room so as 1) not to hear them committing adultery and 2)so as not to fall into temptation because of it--to the point that i'm ready to report them. they're rude in every manner, anyway, but this is the icing on top of the crap cake. i'm REALLY struggling with hatred for her and her boyfriends. don't get me wrong, i'm sad that she's living in so much bondage, but from being around them, i observe that her heart is very very hardened to what the Lord desires for her. she's most likely ignorant and doesn't care about doing what's right anyway, but instead has chosen to live in sin how SHE wants. please pray for them, and for me to be able to forgive, be kind to, and pray for them. her children deserve better than that... they're not totally lost just yet, but ... you know.

as joanna knows, for a while there i was very angry with alot of friends who have chosen immorality over living for Christ, pursuing holiness. there's so much apathy, and my heart is discouraged to see so many fellow believers who are Christians only for the benefit of being saved by Jesus Christ. there are so few willing to make the sacrifices He has called us to. pathetic. sad. it disgusts me as much as every other injustice i see in this fallen world.

if it makes ME angry, who is imperfect and broken, how do you think our righteous God feels?

besides being upset about the general state of the church, i'm upset with myself also for being so discouraged... being discouraged about believers not being Christians; discouraged about having to wait and wait patiently to get involved in missions work when that is where my heart lies, and much of what i think about every day; discouraged because i want to live pure and holy for Jesus' sake, but i fall so short of His standard. i feel like i don't want it enough. i'm praying for patience: patience to wait on His will, His time, in all things; patience with others; most of all, patience with myself, and change coming about in ME. ARRRRRRRRGH i am so slow to change. i want to be better, stronger, more efficient. .. i sound like a robot... but honestly--i really do find myself thinking that i'm not good enough. i am allowing myself to believe the lies of the enemy, and that makes me mad! i know better, but he is soooo wily and sneaky, jumping in wherever opportunity lies. i was listening to a sermon recently about how there are 3 types of temptation for us:

1. the flesh
2. the world
3. the spirit

this might help explain a little:

The Flesh

The “flesh” -- generally taken to mean sins of the body -- includes such items as drug addiction, sexual sin and (interestingly enough in our society of plenty and want) gluttony. {Discussion point} It is the first of the temptations for a number of reasons:

· In matters sexual, it most affects the young (hormones, naturally). It comes first chronologically to the adult.

· The “damage spiral” from this is the quickest and deepest, and it produces a lasting despair that is very throbbing -- am I ever going to be sober again? Will I ever find the right man/woman? {Discussion point: does Prince Charming ever go into the Silver Bullet Saloon, Sunny?}

· It’s also the easiest and cheapest; it produces no virtue along the way. No one ever developed the habits of patience and hard work picking up one night stands.

The World

The “world” covers a little more territory. It’s not just the temptation to keep up with the Joneses in material things, though that is the basic temptation. That limits its usefulness to Satan, for some of us are just not capable of “making it” in a materialistic society. (Though, if you notice it, we cluster in social layers to make keeping up a little easier. Who would like to try to keep up with J. Paul Getty?) It also includes the matter of power and influence. We have noted lately that the President (Mr. Clinton) is accused of having sexual affairs. A common thread in this is that the woman wants to be next to the man of power, to be “influential.” How good it feels to be able to say to your friend, “I’ll just call the mayor and tell him.....”

It’s also a longer lasting temptation. The hairline may recede while the waist expands, thus ending lust and gluttony at the same time -- but the lure of the BMW continues forever.

Envy (the sin of the have-nots against the haves) and greed (the sin of the haves against the have-nots) are its two basic forms. {Discussion point: when does “capitalist enterprise” become greed? When does “government compassion” become envy?}

The Spirit

Pride -- the sin of the spirit -- is the least tractable of all sins. It is, as one author (C. S. Lewis) put it, “the complete anti-God state of mind.” The essential point of the matter is that “I’m better than you are -- and I’m going to stick it in your ear, too.” Note that “I’m taller” or “I’m fatter” are neither pride nor (necessarily) falsehood, but “I’m better” is pride. Its essence is competitiveness, that god of modern America.

For indeed, America today counts pride -- in the Biblical, sinful sense -- as a virtue. It is the sticking point in the conflict between humanism and Christianity. In humanism, man makes the moral rules of the universe. He therefore is the highest creature in it -- and we worship the highest. That is pride.

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that might help explain a bit... anyway, i'd never looked at it that way... so it was very interesting for me. tho it did confuse me somewhat. haaaaaa....

lastly, i will say that america sickens me. this fast-paced, selfish, instant-gratification culture is NOT glorifying to our Father, and i want to live elsewhere so i don't get caught up in this mess ANYMORE! i hate it. i take part in it, but i want to be free of it.

i want to do well in school and work this semester. and i want to grow closer to my Jesus. and i want to get involved asap in missions... really really want to do that. oh yeah, and i do NOT want to live in america.

thEnd.

ps--i am not a depressed emo-woman. everyone has dark thoughts. these are some of mine. take them to the Lord as you should. and as i should, and do, too! =)

-saralynn