It would be really hard to give you an update on ALL that's happened in the last two plus months, so I'll just tell you what's up right now with myself and grandma.
Recently, Grandma has been more coherent for the most part and is pleasant to be around (if you, like me, can be silly and laugh at other people's silliness). She has on-and-off good-and-bad days. She's changed from being quiet sometimes to talking ALL the time about whatever her mind comes across and doesn't quiet unless one asks her to be quiet and let someone else have a turn to talk for a little while.
That's the thing, not only does she talk, she does so loudly and tries to do it *over* everyone else. Hahaha... so that gets irritating. If that weren't enough, she almost always DEMANDS your attention and will note if you are not paying attention and will bug you until she gets it.
*rolls eyes* but what's to be done about it? =) She's sweet most of the time.
I will admit that I've been very angry with her only once--when she put my phone in her cup of water.
She and I were sitting at the table just after having fed her supper. my phone was on my side of the table and she sat pretty far away from where I had it. When I got up and went over to the kitchen to clean up the dishes, she decided she needed to follow me and bring her cup and my phone with her... one inside of the other. So when I turned around and she held them out to me as though she had done something helpful, I was like, "AAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Marian!!" Then I asked the most ignorant thing I could've asked: "Why did you DO that?"
Of course she just thought she was being helpful... but while I hurriedly took the phone (which has now turned off) apart and separated every component that I possibly could, she tried to demand my attention about whatever she was talking about. I repeatedly asked her to stop talking to me, I was busy (usually she actually *will* stop talking to you if she knows you're busy) and needed to do something else besides listening to her for a minute. But she wouldn't back off, and after I very decidedly told her to leave me alone for a while, she did, but she let me know she wasn't happy about it. She's like a teenager in that sense--she wears her feelings ALL over her sleeve and lets everyone know how she's feeling about whatever she's thinking. So she felt sad and like no one wanted to be around her. So she got to feel bad for several minutes while I tried to get as much water out of the phone as possible. I called my mom during this time to let her know what'd happened and to ask her what I should do about my phone. Gramma was of course still trying to talk to me this whole time, and mom laughed and laughed about it while I'm sitting there steaming with frustration about what to do. After I got off the phone with Ma and finished the phone drying business, I decided that I need to calm down and put things in perspective.
I knew that Gramma meant no harm and didn't realize what she was doing was going to displease me. I also knew that her being cared for and loved was more important than a phone, which could be replaced. So I prayed and then went over to her--who was still feeling rejected and sad--and sat with my arm around her, told her I was sorry for getting angry and all that, and told her I loved her and appreciated her.
So then she talked a lot about how she was feeling. that's another thing. If she's talking nonstop in a certain way, we know she's uncomfortable or nervous. So if we sit with her and let her talk for anywhere from 15 minutes to half an hour, it'll help her calm down. It's her way of letting us know what's making her anxious, and listening to her for so long helps her feel validated. We then comfort and reassure her, letting her know the truth of what's going on--she's safe, we love her very much, and want her to be here with us. She's usually worried about one or more of several things:
1. Her mom
2. Her 2 brothers
3. Her dad
4. Getting something done--she feels as though there's somewhere she needs to be or something she needs to do quite often
5. The "children" or the "girls" or the "boys"
6. Her husband
7. Some random lady or man that we cannot see, but she does.
8. Some other random family member or friend
9. Where she's going to stay tonight
10. Where *I* am going to stay tonight
11. Somebody coming in the window or looking at us (LOL)
As for how I'm doing, I am blessed. I really have nothing to *complain* about. Sure we can all nitpick, but none of us has the right to complain about our quality of life or other things of that nature since we are so very blessed in general. That's not to say I don't want prayer and don't need fellowship.
Some things that have weighed my heart down in the last few months in no particular order:
1. Living peacefully and productively with Bea and Larry
2. my friends not caring to communicate with me
3. the media in general being so very wicked and displeasing to the Lord
4. [as can be seen in my last blog] the apathetic and complacent attitude in most of my believing friends towards living a holy life and pursuing Jesus above all else
5. missing my family and friend sometimes
6. waiting for the Lord to provide an accountability partner or two
7. Romans 7:15-25:
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.
So those are the main things *weighing my heart down* but I am not full of despair. My desire is that the Lord would keep my humble, for it's when we are prideful and think that we are capable of pleasing God with our own strength that we stumble all the more easily. God's helping me to understand that our Enemy will use any and everything to tempt and distract me from my precious Savior.
I'm overwhelmed with gratitude and am humbled whenever I consider how much my Abba loves His children. Thank you, Jesus! He alone is holy and just. He is full of mercy and compassion. How wonderful.
Speaking of compassion, I used to feel super sorry for every soul that went to hell, and thought it was God not being very merciful. But as I've grown and He's given me wisdom and understanding of His Word, I see that their demise is not of His doing, but rather is a result of their total depravity and rejection of Him. Every man has an understanding that God exists. there is no person whose fate is random. They either choose to love God or reject Him in their own hearts. Their desire for this world presides over their desire to serve a Holy and Just God.
I no longer feel that if I "just did such-and-such" or if the person could "just see it THIS way" they would change their mind. But not so. It is not up to me, but up to them. All I can do is live out my life in pursuit of Jesus, love, and share with them.
I'm tired of writing now, so I'm gonna stop here. If you'd like to know more about something, lemme know.
Love and blessings to you.
Saralynn
1 comments:
I loooooove you.
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