compassion and mercies new

so i'll get right down to it: the past few days have been a really big downer for me.

why? Gramma has been digressing in quite a few really bizarre ways, and progressing in very few ways.

i won't try to tell you all the things that are happening, but i will divulge a few...

when she first came to live at home with us, she improved in small ways. now she is what i was originally perceiving as backtracking, but what is actually most likely just the progression of dementia that will not stop. it may slow, but it will not stop (unless the Lord wills it). small everyday things, like when i'm feeding her... it goes something like this:

Me: *put a spoonful of something up to her mouth*: "Take a bite, Marian"

Marian: *blank stare at me* or "Okay, dear" followed by blank staring or something totally off-the-wall such as squinting her eyes and leaning forward as though i were trying to tell her something very important and she was trying to understand me. but then after a few seconds--literally--she'll just look away and start jabbering about something random. or she might look at me and repeat what she thought the "question" was. and it's almost never what i actually said, or even distantly related. It sounds quite ridiculous, and it is. it's absolutely bizarre.

another instance might be when i'm helping her use the toilet. i should stop and point out that she forgets things that were said or done 5 seconds earlier. literally.

so if i propose that she "stand up," she'll ask where we're going and i'll tell her. "oh well where is that," she'd most likely say. i'll tell her maybe, and then she'll say something like "well okay dear" and then have forgotten that i wanted to her to stand up in the first place. this is totally regular. so it makes things like going potty or just walking anywhere or any task with her more difficult than it would regularly be. of course, you can understand that yourself... it's pretty obvious. btw, i'm not complaining about this particular area, i'm explaining.

now what does frustrate me is actually getting the bathroom break accomplished. it's quite a task! on the way to the bathroom itself, she needs to be reminded about 5 times to which place we are en route. this continues all the way to the doorway of the bathroom and usually even to the toilet. i have to guide her firmly to the toilet, and sometimes even when she sees the potty, it doesn't register (this is really how it goes with all the activities we do). a few times when i've helped her in the bathroom, she gets really anxious because she's forgotten what's going on, and she doesn't understand that i'm a friend who's helping her, not a random stranger being inappropriate. she'll even forget right when i'm helping to undress her that she's about to use the toilet, and grab her pants so i won't undress her any more. then i have to start all over with the explaining process. Hahaha... it's frustrating, but things like these are the worst part of caring for her. She's usually sweet and compliant, she just has had a very very hard time understanding what i would like her to do and how. part of that is her hearing--it's really bad, and i think it's because her ears are stopped up with wax! i looked at them today and flushed them out with hydrogen peroxide and warm water.... that may help the wax to dry up, but i think she needs a more thorough job done. it's a very trying task, if you can imagine.

when she took a nap today, i did as well, and i might've gotten about 2 1/2 hours while she got around 3... i was so tired, i just wanted to chillax and delay waking her up again for as long as possible...

she's always always tired. and she's constantly in pain somewhere in her body. she has a torn rotator cuff in her right shoulder that is constantly hurting despite the high level of painkillers she's taking at every meal. her back is hurting from a recent ordeal, too.

i would like to see her at peace. no more pain, no more confusion about where she is, where her parents or brothers are, no more concern for imaginary people or things she "sees," and no more hearing problems. basically i'd like for communication to be clear between us, and for her to just be comfortable and at ease all the time.

i also am praying for me--that i would be compassionate, gentle, patient, kind, and generally loving and have a loving attitude when i am with her. my heart is weary right now, and weighed down with concerns for her and frustrated-ness with myself for feeling so desperate sometimes and getting upset because i cannot communicate with her clearly or simply not at all.

please pray for perseverance in the things i mentioned above for me, and peace for gramma.

Also pray that Bea would be able to get the rest she needs.

as for me, i need to go get some rest now, too, and in more ways than one =)

thank you for your love and prayers. i would like to update you with more info, but i cannot and will not promise that will happen soon, because it's not often that i actually want to write it all out, and sometimes when i want to, i cannot find the words to say it how i wish it to be communicated. even this post is extremely imperfect.

thank you for your patience. =) God bless and keep you in His perfect love.