learning to accept

blurg.

this past week has been emotionally and sometimes physically rough for me for a number of reasons most of which i won't divulge in detail.

the absolute worst part of this past semester has been my stupidity in the area of trying to pursue love when it wasn't the proper timing (to say the least). i won't say it wasn't the "proper man" because that's pretty darn judgmental and i know i could very well be suited for a man that not everyone would get along with peachily. i sure don't fit in with every crowd, and that's fine. but i just decided to go against my better judgment and pursue a guy, knowing that it could end up with me getting hurt.
and i did. but it didn't end up that way immediately. things took several diff turns in directions that i liked, but it was apparently never going just where i thought it was. and now i've basically been rejected. it hurts like a bad word, and i've been struggling quite a bit, to say the least, with handling my feelings about the situation. at first i was relieved to have a straight answer outta him so i could move on. but then i realized just how much i WANTED to be in a relationship. i WANTED to badly to love on him and have him reciprocate all the feelings i had. i realize that i want a man to take care of, love, and lead me.
but in the end, i don't want a man like the one i've been pursuing. he was messed up, and i knew it from the start. but i allowed my carnal desires to get the best of me, and i kept on pursuing that warm body, that tantalizing smell, that tender touch. yes, i want those things. very much so. and i'm all too eager to have them. siiiiigh. i'm a bit at a loss as to where to go from here, but all i've come up with is to continue on, learning from my experiences. negative experiences like this make it hard for me to trust people again, but i keep reminding myself it was partially my fault for doing something i knew would probably not turn out well since the guy had issues.
i wish i could throw away or put on hold these desires for a mate. not just a lover, but a man who'll lead and love like Jesus. trusting the Lord for that is my big problem. waiting in His time, instead of rushing ahead and getting carried away in my fantasies is my problem. Jesus wants me to be in the here and now, not indulging in a dream world. i need to be seeking Him, and i know He'll take care of all my needs.
Perhaps over time, my desires will change. as i grow in my walk with Jesus, and I continue to let Him change my heart, maybe the desires will fade. ..but it takes time, and time has a way of dragging things out...
for now, as i'm home alone, it's hard to avoid the mire of wonderment and sort of self-pity as my heart tends to wander into the domain of "why" and "but." it hurts to have a dream of something so sweet snatched out from under you. i know it's lame and stupid, but my self-esteem has been at zero this week as i feel unattractive and undesirable. instead of opening up to my friends, i tend to lash out in various ways. i mistreat my body instead of taking special care of it, binging (without the purging!! gross!) and not exercising, thus gaining extra--UNWANTED--pounds.

please pray for God's continued work in my heart. that i will open up and let Him work instead of rebelling and being an idiot.

thank you for your love and attention.